A Mosaic of Emotions: The Next Adventure
Again.
Again.
Again.
The anthem for Infertility.
Again you have to wait.
Again you have to try.
Again you have to have your sex life scheduled.
Again you have to come in for testing.
Again you need more labs.
Again you need another transvaginal ultrasound.
Again you have to hold your breath while you wait for news.
Again you have to decide how much you’re going to share.
Again you have to dust yourself off and try again.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Today I walked back into my RE’s office.
I’ve had almost a month off since my February ERA, only because of my clinic’s cautious and spread out COVID-related scheduling. Today I find myself trying to practice patience through my ambivalence. Hope feels distant, right now, for me, this stage feels methodical.
To be honest, it’s hard to launch into a new round of STIMS when you now live more than an hour away from the clinic, monitoring visits are at 7am, and your partner still can’t come because of COVID.
Today I found myself drifting through the motions….
Check-in, answer screening questions, have my temperature checked, get my parking validated, wait for a few minutes.
Get called by a nurse, have my blood drawn (today took three sticks), return to the waiting room.
Scroll absentmindedly on my phone while trying not to make eye contact with any other woman doing the exact same thing in another chair six feet apart from me.
Hear my name called again. Walk to an exam room. Undress from the waist down, but never remove my mask.
Make small talk with the nurse who completes my transvaginal ultrasound, even when she asks awkward questions with the wand still inside of me.
Wait, while she cleans the instrument, washes her hands, and wishes me luck.
Step down from the table. Wipe the gel from between my legs. Re-dress. Walk through the office, through the waiting area, out the door and to the elevator bay.
My baseline visit was complete, and I was intimately familiar with what came next.
Waiting. Waiting for the results. For the instructions. For the next appointment to be scheduled. For injections to be added to my calendar.
Waiting, while trying desperately to keep my mind busy.
Waiting, while knowing all too well that this rollercoaster was just about to take off.
If you’ve returned to stims after an embryo transfer failure, a miscarriage, or both, what helped you stay grounded, stay hopeful, and trudge through the uncomfortable motions?
Here’s my current list of recommendations:
A good playlist - whether music is your jam, or podcast episodes, or audiobooks. I found that having my AirPods in while I was waiting made me feel so much more at ease during already tense and awkward situations.
Find a cycle buddy, a badass friend, or an Infertility doula for your “speed dial!” Today was literally made much easier for me because of a friend who I know I can vent to.
Treat yourself afterwards! My appointment was done by 7:20am, so I chose to stop and get breakfast for my drive home. I knew that I’d be much happier on my long drive home if I had food in my belly.
What would you add? I’m all ears!
Sending ya’ll love.
Amanda
