A Mosaic of Emotions: Infertility, Marriage & Communication

Early in our dating days, my husband and I enthusiastically agreed that we wanted to become parents.

We hoped for a big family, and like many new couples, dreamed of what it might be like, how we wanted to raise our children, and how we thought we’d be as parents. We once thought our biggest challenges would be deciding who was the stricter parent.

While we “knew” in the back of our minds that pregnancy wasn’t guaranteed, we never expected to hear the word “Infertility.” We never expected to struggle to conceive, and ultimately the need technological intervention to become pregnant.

In the blink of an eye, creating a family looked much different on paper than it had in our imaginations. Romance, lingerie, lube, and bedroom intimacy were gone, and standing in their place were appointments, so many appointments, along with procedures and hospital gowns and cold sterile exam rooms. 

Nobody prepares your marriage for this. 

Nobody prepares you for this. 

Communication changed, significantly. 

Our preferences, our fears, our hopes - everything was different. Everything required conversation. Preparation. Logistics. Finances. Patience. Someone else's schedule. 

My husband and I, both Enneagram 2’s, both “feeling people” - we felt these things differently. 

We celebrated in a similar language, but we grieved differently.

I learned that whereas I felt sadness first, my husband began with anger and frustration. The same outcome sent us in two different directions. Without noticing this, in the beginning, this caused us to struggle in supporting one another. 

We processed our wins, our losses, our hope and our grief differently.

We’ve now been together for several years, and we’ve learned quite a bit about each other and ourselves in the process. The start of our infertility journey was challenging for our relationship - but ultimately, it brought us closer together. 

This past year Infertility has rocked our foundation again, in new and different ways.

It’s been harder in some ways, and familiar in others. I’ve shared thoughts on this here, here, and here. Staying intimate - emotionally and physically, has been a critical part of our marriage, and the strength we’ve been able to find in each other. 

How has infertility impacted your communication with your partner? How has it changed your relationship?