The Mental Load of Motherhood for my Embryos

We’ve talked about the mental load of motherhood for generations - the often invisible workload that mostly affects moms. With my now two year old daughter, the mental load of motherhood includes things like making sure her laundry is done and the mass amount of dishes she uses each day has been washed, keeping note on when we run out of diapers or her favorite snacks, keeping mental tabs on what size clothes and shoes she’s wearing, and if she has enough that fits and is clean in her reach for daily activities, what activities we can enroll her in that will feel COVID safe and also expand her bubble, how she will learn to share without yet having a sibling, when her next pediatrician appointment is, if we have a backup tube of kids toothpaste, etc. The list goes on and on and on.

I have yet to meet a mom who can’t identify with at least some of what I shared above.

Recently, I’ve come to realize that these types of feelings, the mental load of motherhood per-se, sometimes shows up while we are TTC.

In 2018, I went through IVF for the first time. I experienced 1 failed fresh embryo transfer before my successful FET, and we had two embryos frozen.

I thought about those two embryos a lot.

During my pregnancy with my daughter. When my daughter was a newborn. And then even more often as we began preparing to launch into another season of Infertility. We transferred the first one back in September, 2020, and when I miscarried our first son I was devastated. Unfortunately, we had the same experience in January, 2021, when I miscarried our second son.

I struggled a lot with feeling connected and attached to those embryos. But the thing is, our two boys had been created and stored for more than two years. We’d talked about what our lives would be like when one or both of them joined our families. We had names picked out for them, and to us, they were our babies just waiting to be.

This spring, I went through another round of stims, followed by another egg retrieval. We skipped the fresh transfer process, and sent all 4 of our blastocysts to the freezer while their biopsies went for genetic testing. When we got the call that we had two PGS normal embryos, I instantly felt so much.

We had two more babies to be, waiting for us.

We had two more babies for me to worry about.

For me to think about.

For me to wonder about.

The mental load of motherhood still very much exists for my embryos. It might show up differently than it does for my daughter, but it’s present and real and impacting me each day.

The mental load of motherhood for my embryos means thinking constantly, sometimes non-stop, about what the next steps are, what I am doing to move them forward, and what has to happen to ensure one or both of these babies get to grow and thrive and join us earth side. It means thinking about my body, and our TTC journey, and the medications I’ve been on, and the one’s I’ve asked about but haven’t tried, and the failures we’ve had, and how those can keep pushing me forward. It includes plan A, and plan B, and plans C, D, E, F and G. It means thinking about contingencies and roadmaps and whats next and what’s lost and what can still happen. It’s finding patience in the wait. It’s finding ways to manage the anxiety in the wait. It’s all for my embryos. For our babies to be.

If you can relate to anything I’ve shared, I want you to know you’re not alone. Whether you have a baby here on earth, in heaven, waiting in the freezer or yet to be created, I know you are thinking about them. I know you are holding the pressure and the workload on your shoulders. I’m here to support you.

PS - Some of my favorite TTC resources, IVF support & Self Care items are on sale this week for Amazon Prime Day :)