A Mosaic of Emotions: From IUI to IVF - How Failed Treatments Pushed us Forward
Infertility.
A word I’d only heard in the media before it came out of my doctor's mouth.
Infertility.
Something I knew very very little about in the beginning.
Something that was overwhelming.
That made my heart ache.
Infertility.
Was it a sentencing? Or a reckoning?
A punishment, or an obstacle?
When my husband and I were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility, we both felt lost. We didn’t know anyone who had previously talked openly about their experience with trying to conceive, and we were angry about the stigma still silencing many walking the same path. We never imagined this would be our story, but when it became our story, we chose to embrace it full stop.
Before we began treatments or procedures, we decided we would share every part of our journey to parenthood - the good, the bad, the ugly, the wins and the losses, on social media. We knew that if nothing else, our story might touch someone else, and in turn, make them feel less overwhelmed. We hoped it would connect us to others, and create a safe space, normalizing the conversation that not every baby is made in the bedroom. We were initially met with some resistance from family members and others who were concerned that baby making should be a private matter, but we pushed back. We wouldn’t be showing our private parts to folks on the internet. We’d be talking about the challenges of becoming parents when it didn’t just happen naturally.
Our fertility treatments began with Intrauterine Insemination, or IUI, one of the less invasive methods of reproductive technology.
After our first procedure, I spent the TWW so sure it had worked. That we just needed a little help from the experts, and that everything was going to line up. Our infertility was undiagnosed, so obviously, there was no major problem, right? Conception should not just be possible, but with intervention, very likely! LOL. It was March, 2018, and I spent my days dreaming about a summer pregnancy announcement.
14 days after that procedure, I took an at home pregnancy test as recommended. My husband and I stood in the bathroom trying to distract each other while we waited for the results. We joked about his contribution to the process, the awkwardness for us both, and how we’d tell our families.
When the plastic stick flashed “not pregnant,” we both sobbed.
We proceeded to try three additional IUI’s - in April, May, and June of that same year. We changed protocols, worked up courage and hope, convinced each other that we still had a fighting chance at being successful, and unfortunately, we were still disappointed each time.
We felt like we’d learned a lot in our seasons of failure, but we were still apprehensive about what came next. We knew after our third failed IUI that the fourth would be our last, and if it wasn’t successful we’d transition to IVF.
If you’ve been reading for a while, of course you know that IVF became the center of our world in July, 2018, and basically has been ever since.
Later this week, I will share how we prepared for IVF - mentally, physically and financially. Stay tuned!
